The relationship between parent and child is often idealised as one of unconditional love, safety, and care. But what happens when the person who was supposed to protect you becomes the one who hurts you?
When the hands that should have nurtured instead left scars, the confusion can run deep.
Abuse from a parent isn’t just painful it’s disorienting. The very person who shaped your sense of self also distorted it. You may be left asking: Was that really love? Or was it control, fear, and harm disguised as care?
One of the hardest truths to face is this: being a parent does not automatically mean being loving. Abuse doesn’t become less harmful just because it comes from someone who raised you. And love should never require the erasure of your boundaries, safety, or dignity.
They may have brought you into this world, shaped your earliest years, or even provided the basics of survival, but that does not mean they automatically earn the right to your love. Love is not a debt we owe, nor is it a duty bound to biology. True love is nurtured through care, safety, and respect. If a parent has caused harm, your choice to protect yourself, even if that means withholding your love is not cruelty; it is self-preservation. You get to decide who deserves a place in your heart, and no one, not even the people who made you, has the right to demand it.
Untangling love and abuse means recognising that both can’t coexist in the same breath. Love honours. Abuse diminishes. Love protects. Abuse exploits. If you grew up with a parent who blurred those lines, your healing may begin with naming the truth: what you experienced was not love.
From there, healing can look like reclaiming your boundaries, relearning what safe love feels like, and giving yourself permission to grieve what you didn’t receive. It might also mean cutting ties or creating distance not out of bitterness, but out of self-respect.
You are not obligated to love those who harmed you. You are not required to carry their choices as your burden. What you do deserve is love that uplifts, protects, and respects you. And that begins with the love you give yourself.
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